The Dysfunctional Honeymoon Read online

  “We’ll be there soon,” Alex assured me.

  “Ok, I’m going to order room service and then sleep until you arrive. Bye.” I hung up.

  Talking to Alex hadn’t made me feel any better. I called down to the front desk and seemed to get the only person in the hotel who did not speak English. Part of the appeal of coming to Belize had been the high level of English-speaking natives. It had once been a part of the British Empire, they had called it British Honduras. This meant English was still a dominating language. Except now, and it was complicated by the fact that I didn’t speak Spanish.

  “Food,” I finally shouted into the phone in Russian.

  A different voice came over the line. He spoke English fluently. I told him what I wanted and he assured me that my order would arrive shortly. I pulled out the pearls from my pocket and looked at them. Even if I hadn’t been consummating my marriage, I was supposed to be climbing up ruined pyramids and sitting on the beach reading a book. I wasn’t supposed to be participating in DIY tours of the jungle or eating lizards.

  The food arrived. I ate, left some for Zeke and crawled into bed. That’s when the tears came. I was sure tears during the honeymoon were bad luck for the marriage.

  “Please stop crying,” I heard Zeke’s voice. I hadn’t heard him enter the room.

  “I’m trying,” I sniffled.

  “I’ll take you to Egypt, we can look at the pyramids there. You can ride camels and watch crocodiles on the bank of the Nile.”

  “Have you ever done a mission in the Middle East?” I asked.

  “Well, yes, but…”

  “Then no, I’m not going to Egypt with you. We’ll be hunted down by terrorists or something.”

  “I got you a shirt that doesn’t say ‘Belize’ on it and a pretty wrap skirt and different shoes.”

  “You should get to know me better now that we are married.”

  “I know, you don’t care about clothes, but I’m doing what I can here. In seventeen hours, you’ll be home with the dogs, enjoying civilization.”

  “I think this is an omen that our marriage is doomed. I’m going to be the only person on the planet who is divorced after an arranged marriage.”

  “If something hadn’t gone wrong, I would consider it an omen. The fact that something did, just proves that this is our life together. You are not going to be divorced.”

  “Our honeymoon sucks.” I managed to gain control of the tears. I wiped my nose on a tissue next to the bed.

  “But we got through the wedding without a firebomb, I’d consider that damn good luck,” Zeke stood. “Where’s all the water?”

  “Oh, uh, I drank it. I was thirsty,” I blushed.

  “Good thing I bought more bottles while I was out,” he pointed to a bag on the bed, “I’m going to go shower, then I’m going to eat your leftovers and then I’m napping.”

  “Funny, I wasn’t planning on leaving you leftovers, I was hungrier than I thought. I can order down, if you want.”

  “The guy at the desk said you shouted at him in Russian. I don’t think you should.”

  “He didn’t understand English, I tried something else.”

  “I told you to brush up on some Spanish.”

  “When did I have time?” I frowned at him.

  “You could have locked yourself in your house for the week before the wedding instead of attracting drug dealers. That would have given you time to learn some Spanish. And you’re frowning again, you’re going to need botox at this rate.”

  “That was my mom’s fault,” I protested.

  “Yes, I didn’t realize that being disaster-prone was hereditary until I met you and Melina.”

  “Comments like that will ensure that you never see me in these pearls.”

  “If those pearls survive this trip, it will be nothing short of miraculous and I think they should get a special place on honor. Maybe a light box where we can display them. They can be our souvenir from this trip. Something like ‘I took pearls to Belize and despite the car bombing, they still exist!’”

  “No, it would need to say ‘I Honeymooned in Belize and got blown up, but I still have these pearls that don’t go around the neck!’”

  “I got it!” Zeke gave me a big grin, “I Left My Eyebrows in Belize but I still have my Pearls.”

  “Wow, I thought I was the pessimist. I’m not sure I can spend the rest of my life with someone more pessimistic than me.”

  “That was my optimistic view. If it had been pessimistic, I would have pointed out that if we survive this trip it will be a miracle.”

  With that, Zeke stalked towards the shower. I unmade the bed and curled up under the sheet. My mind began to drift as the rhythmic beating of the shower soothed some of the stress from me.

  “You know,” Zeke’s voice was very close to me. I opened my eyes. “We have about six hours before they get here. We could work on this consummating thing now.”

  “Obviously, you have not seen the rash in that area.”

  “It can’t be that bad,” he grinned.

  I yawned, stretched and stood up. I took a deep breath to steady my nerves and then dropped my jeans.

  “Oh my god,” Zeke exclaimed then clamped a hand over his mouth.

  “Oh yeah, it’s that bad. The guess on Saturday while I was getting ready for the wedding was that I had not only had an allergic reaction of some sort to the wax, but that it had become extremely irritated. The heat isn’t doing it any good either.”

  “Yeah, we’ll just wait until we’re home. Until then, we’ll just cuddle. You might want to see a doctor about that.”

  “If I can make time in my life to go to a doctor, I will,” I crawled back into bed, my jeans firmly re-secured.

  “I can tell now that there is never going to be a dull moment in our life,” Zeke smiled and pulled me into him.

  “Probably not,” I agreed.

  There are lots of forms of intimacy and while I still had serious reservations about Zeke and I being married, we had already fallen into a bond. I curled into him and easily fell asleep.

  When I woke, the room was dark and Zeke was gone. I fought my way out of the sheet and fumbled for a light switch. Flipping it on, I blinked into the suddenly brightened room. Nothing seemed out of place except the missing husband.

  The panes of glass reflected lights from the city. It wasn’t like an American city or even a European city. There was no flashing neons, no aggressive sodium arc lights to slice through the dark. Instead, incandescent bulbs filled the few street lights and light spilled from windows and doorways. There was a small bar across from the hotel. The door was open and light spilled out into the street. Lively music kept a steady beat that rocked the bodies of dancers as they passed in front of the windows and doors. I took a deep breath and inhaled the smells of foreign foods, exotic spices and something that called to my primeval side.

  There was no note, meaning Zeke didn’t expect me to wake before he returned. My stomach growled lightly. The clock told me it was just after ten pm. I had slept for almost nine hours. Our motley bunch of saviors and conspirators should be here by now. We had managed to get a flight with only an hour layover, meaning we arrived in Belize in four and a half hours. It took another hour or so to drive to our beach front hotel. Since I didn’t know where we were now, I didn’t know if it was closer or further from the airport. I also didn’t know how long of a lay-over they had.

  Zeke pushed open the door. He held food in his hands. The smells were instantly intoxicating.

  “Yum, I was just thinking about you and dinner,” I said.

  “Have you been awake long?”

  “Only a few minutes.”

  “Well, we had to make do with sloppy take-out. I got there just before they closed the kitchen.”

  Zeke put the food on the dresser. There was no table in our small room. Just a bed, a dresser, a pair of night stands and a chair. I took the bed and a container. I didn’t know what it was, but I had eaten lizard,
it had to be better than that.

  “They’ve landed and should be here soon,” Zeke said after we had both eaten.

  “What’s the plan?”

  “We’re all going to hunker down tonight. You and Alex are driving back to Belmopan late morning. Your flight is scheduled to depart at five tomorrow evening. However, there is a lay-over in Mexico City for six and a half hours. It was the only flight I could get you on. You’ll have to change planes and then you go straight home. When you get home, you call me. I won’t expect to hear from you until Thursday morning sometime.”

  “And what are you going to do?”

  “Finish the job, better late than never.”

  “I’m thinking our next trip, we should go to Tahiti. I’m sure your mom would love that and the chances of the mob following us or you running into Cocaine Barons that you were supposed to kill years ago are slim.”

  “You’ve spent time with my mother, do you really want to do that again soon?”

  “She’s not much different than my own. We could bring Melina and Alex and Sebastian. Force them to elope while they are there. Telisa and Melina could be the necessary witnesses.”

  “How very spiteful of you,” Zeke gave me wide grin.

  “Payback sucks,” I grinned back. “How long ago did they call?”

  “Forty minutes or so. They woke me up, so I went to get food.”

  “Are we closer or further from Belmopan?”

  “You haven’t a clue where we are, do you?”

  “Not in the least.”

  “Do you remember where we were?”

  “Dangriga.”

  “We went west from there through the jungle.”

  “And?” I frowned at him.

  “We are now in Pomona.”

  “Didn’t we drive through there on our way to Dangriga?”

  “Yes, yes we did.”

  “We went twenty miles west over night?” I remembered it hadn’t taken long to get to Dangriga after going through Pomona.

  “Too many rivers to go any other direction. Besides the city is large enough for us to blend in and almost disappear.” There was a knock at the door.

  Zeke drew a gun that I knew he hadn’t packed and stepped to it. He looked through the tiny hole. He hid the gun and opened the door. I stood as well, but for a different reason. The mild dehydration that had resulted in me breaking down and drinking even sparkling water seemed to be past. It had descended upon me like a monsoon, the very thought of water made me feel like I would explode.

  Before, I could make my way to the little girl’s room; Alex literally threw herself into the room and onto the bed. Her arms wrapped around me, sending my mostly empty food container to the floor where it turned upside down. She hugged me until I thought water would begin pouring from my ears.

  “I have to pee,” I whispered, struggling to breathe.

  “Alex, I think you are cutting off her oxygen supply,” Sebastian said.

  “Good, then drug lords can’t kill her,” Alex snapped at him. She let go.

  “Someone has jet lag,” Anthony dropped a bag onto the floor. “Extra clothes for both of you.”

  I opened the bag and took out underwear and clean jeans. I also grabbed a pair of socks and headed for the bathroom, taking the pearls that don’t go around the neck out of my pocket and putting them on the dresser.

  I changed and walked back out. I picked the pearls back up and put them back into my pocket. Then realized everyone was staring at me.

  “Why are you carrying those around?” Alex asked.

  “I think they might be lucky, I haven’t died since I got them,” I responded.

  “You didn’t die in the thirty years before you had them.”

  “That’s true, but if the pearls hadn’t gotten free and rolled down the drive, I would have been standing next to the taxi when it exploded. I certainly wouldn’t have chased down anything battery operated.”

  “Have they gotten you laid yet?”

  “No,” I admitted.

  “Then they aren’t that lucky,” Alex smirked.

  “I think when you examine my life; they are more likely to become a weapon of opportunity than a bedroom aid.”

  “Done?” Anthony asked.

  “Sure, we can discuss pearls later,” I flopped back down on the bed next to Alex.

  “We took the rooms next door to yours, so we’ll hear anything that happens during the night. We have two rental cars. One in Alex’s name, she is going to take it back with her and Nadine. The other is in an alias that I happened to have handy, so if it blows up or something else happens to it, it can’t be linked to us. I had time to get Zeke a new passport but not Nadine. Although, since no one knows who she is, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “We were seen together,” Zeke said.

  “I imagine you were, but they will be searching for someone with your last name and they never heard hers mentioned,” Anthony replied.

  I hadn’t taken Zeke’s name. It would be weird on the building for starters. Plus, there was enough snickering at the office. Everyone knew our predicament, all thought it was funny. I did not need the constant reminder of it by changing my last name. Or at least it sounded good. The truth was, I didn’t want to fill out the paperwork or pay the name change fees or try to get everything set up with a new identity. I knew that married people did it all the time, but I wasn’t one to bother with such hassles.

  “She will just have to avoid being seen by them,” Sebastian added.

  “Avoid being seen by drug lords and henchmen that I’ve never seen, check.”

  “I think that’s it until morning,” Anthony looked at me.

  “Great, I think you boys will be very happy bunked up together,” Alex replied.

  “They're on their honeymoon,” Anthony said.

  “They aren’t having sex, I can guarantee it. On their wedding day, it looked like someone had taken a weed wacker and a blow torch to her crotch. I don’t imagine sweating to death in the jungle helped it much. If Zeke sees it, he’ll run away,” Alex said.

  “I’m so glad you are discussing my unmentionable areas with my employees,” I scowled at her.

  “They are both practically family and I’m sure Zeke would tell them if he knew,” Alex stated flatly.

  “Oh I saw it and I think that description was an understatement,” Zeke grinned.

  “Can we shut up about it?” I huffed.

  “Well seeing her naked is a step in the right direction,” Alex said.

  “Just the lower half,” Zeke said.

  “I am so winning the pool at work,” Anthony grinned at me.

  “What pool?” I narrowed my eyes.

  “I put money that it would take more than a year for you to consummate the marriage. It was a safe bet to begin with, but that little nugget of information just catapulted my confidence that it will indeed take that long,” Anthony was still grinning.

  “I can’t believe you are running a pool on this,” I sighed in frustration and resignation.

  “Hey, I put my money on three months,” Sebastian said defensively.

  “I was with Anthony,” Alex told me.

  “If we survive this, I’m firing all of you,” I said.

  “I don’t work for you,” Alex grinned.

  “I’m firing you as my friend and cousin.”

  “I don’t think you can do that,” Alex hopped up from the bed. “They only booked two rooms Zeke, none with double beds. You’ll have to decide with whom you are sleeping tonight because I’m sleeping in here.”

  “I’ll take the floor,” Zeke replied.

  “Well if that’s sorted, we’re off to bed,” Sebastian told us.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to replace Alex with Zeke?” I asked him.

  “Oh yeah, he snores almost as loud as she does. I voted for three rooms when we booked in. Anthony said you wouldn’t let us write off the third since Alex didn’t technically work for you and it turns out everyone i
s too cheap to shell out for the other room.”

  “I do not snore,” Alex threw something at Sebastian, he caught it.

  “Yes you do, it’s like sleeping with a dinosaur.” With that, Sebastian and Anthony left the room.

  “Then you both snore,” Zeke said, taking a pillow and the comforter from the bed to make himself a pallet on the floor.

  “Yes,” I said.

  “We all inherited bad sinuses and overly large uvulas,” Alex added. “Some of us have snored so loud we have woken ourselves up on an occasion or two. Sebastian can’t stand it. He sleeps with ear plugs in when we stay together.”

  “However, we seem to be immune to the snoring of others,” I said. “Once Alex and I both start sleeping, we won‘t notice the other one snoring.”

  “Kenzie is also a snorer and immune,” Alex said. MacKenzie Reynolds was the third girl in our group. None of us had many girlfriends, so we clung to each other. The fact that I was related to both didn’t seem to matter. Alex was my cousin on my mom’s side. Kenzie was a cousin on my dad’s side. Kenzie and Alex were also friends, but we admitted that if we hadn’t been cousins first, we probably never would have become friends. However, we were all cut from the same mold, so to speak, so we clicked.

  “Zeke snores,” I told Alex. “Not like us, but he does snore. It’s strange sounding.”

  “Really?” Alex looked over the bed at him on the floor. “Are you immune?”

  “No, Nadine can wake me up with her snoring,” Zeke answered.

  “All right, good night,” Alex so abruptly ended the conversation, I gave her a look as she got up and flipped out the lights. I’m sure it was lost to the dark.

  Wednesday

  Surprisingly, I had slept like the dead. It didn’t seem to matter that I had nine hours of sleep earlier that day. Alex had given me some Benadryl for the hives and I had gone out like the light. This morning the hives were gone and my arms didn’t feel bloated and heavy. The insect bite that had caused the allergic reaction also looked much better. It didn’t even itch.

  We had brunch in the hotel restaurant or rather, on the veranda of the hotel restaurant. There were no beaches to stare at, just a city thriving on tourism and small businesses. I hadn’t gotten to see much of Belize, but what I did see, I liked. If life hadn’t gotten in the way, I would have gone home with artisan made goods for myself and everyone else that I knew. I would have bought souvenirs and trinkets and spent hours shopping in the small little store fronts.